put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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