I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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