You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
