A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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