Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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