I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
