i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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