it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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