PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
