Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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