I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
