my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
