Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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