My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
