I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well I just put wine in my tea
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
