Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
