If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
