You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
