well I can't set my house on fire every night
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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