i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
