lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
