I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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