it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I can't turn off my feet"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
