i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
