You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
