did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
