She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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