my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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