WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
