For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
