I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
