just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
