You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
