I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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