I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Bring me that man meat
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
