apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
