If i come over, it means nothing
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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