Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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