allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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