I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
