Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
sarcasm needs its own font
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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