I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
