I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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