You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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