There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
