I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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