I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
