I think i peed on brittanys purse
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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