My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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