Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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