Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
