just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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