Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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