I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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