Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
