Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
