If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
